she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
