I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
