he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
