I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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