She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
