he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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