upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need moral support for this bender
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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