I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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