How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
