Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
