I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
