I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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