Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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