My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
