shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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