1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
