Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
