This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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