i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
