i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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