that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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