Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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