They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
