She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
