Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize