Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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