Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
