Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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