And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
