she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
