This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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