Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
