well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
