Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
