he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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