i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
