So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
