at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
