Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
