A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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