porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize