I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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