I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
