Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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