nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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