But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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