So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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