I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
