i need an iv and a liver transplant
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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