you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
