I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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