the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
