Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize