it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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