she smelled like a LAN party
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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